An Apple a day...

Tue, 31 May 2011 21:51:16 -0400

Well, this morning Apple announced that they were releasing something called the iCloud, which is rumoured to allow instant downloads from the device and would therefore have no storage restrictions. And maybe it’s because I hate everything but I certainly hate this. It’s not that Apple isn’t cool. I mean, they’ve really helped us all feel like we’re living in a science fiction film and for that we have to say ‘thank you’. But I don’t like the idea of everyone being able to have everything. I invest tons of time, organizing my iTunes library so that it’s perfect and represents exactly who I am. I organize it with a simple approach; if I’m mugged and my beloved iPod is stolen from me forever, at the very least my mugger will be impressed with my kickass array of music. He will marvel at the way I’ve managed to balance classic rock, contemporary rock, and British radio shows from 2001. He’ll instantly feel guilty about harming someone who is clearly so knowledgeable when it comes to the finer elements of audio based media. And it’s this very same guilt that will lead to his suicide.

But if anyone can download a song within seconds, then all my pride is stolen from me. I see a person’s iPod as a compact representation of their character. There are two things that will guarantee my approval of you as a human being: one is that you still laugh when people say the word ‘duty’ and the second is that you have a least one song by Flight of the Conchords on your iPod. Apple pretends they’re bettering our lives but actually they’re supplying tools for manipulation. How will I know if you legitimately like your music or have just planted it in an attempt to spend valuable time with the radiant and majestic me? Ten years from now, tabloids won’t be plagued with scandals involving illegitimate children but will instead have screaming headlines like ‘Brad to Angelina- How Could You Lie About Liking The Strokes?’ I can no longer trust people and believe that every aspect of one’s personality is false. Thanks, Apple.

And Steve Jobs, I have issues with him. He’s apparently taking a break from his leave of absence so he can debut the iCloud. Yes, A BREAK FROM HIS LEAVE OF ABSENCE. This fills me with rage for so many reasons. First of all, we should strike up a deal with Jobs: as long as he’s too ill/lazy to get up and go to work every morning, then we’re too exhausted/broke to hear his new dispensable ideas. Secondly, I feel bad for Timothy Cook, the man Jobs left in charge. The poor guy, running around with his head cut off, trying to manage one of the biggest companies in the world, while Jobs sits at home and does Sudoku in his underpants. Cook is doing everything: making sure the Chinese children who manufacture Apple products aren’t taking extended smoke breaks, and dealing with complaints about how the iPad 2 was released approximately eight seconds after people purchased the first iPad. And then when it comes to a grand unveiling, Jobs locks Cook in a cleaning cupboard at the Apple headquarters and takes to the stage for all the glory. This is the same relationship Larry King had with the man who wrote his autobiography and I can’t help but feel this is unfair. If Steve Jobs wants to be in the spotlight, he’s going to have to suck it up and really commit to his vision just like other great men who changed the world, such as Martin Luther King Jr. and Lady Gaga.

Apparently the goal is to have everything so accessible through iTunes that traffic is reduced on the sites of competitors such as Amazon and Google. This is where most of my bewilderment originates: you mean there are people who don’t like Google? These people EXIST? I’ve become so dependent on Google for answers now that I expect it to be an all-knowing being. The other day I misplaced the novel I was reading and found myself typing “Where have I left my book…” into the Google search bar. And how can Google and Apple not get along? It’s like finding out that the Olsen twins secretly hate each other. You feel slightly uncomfortable and a part of your soul dies. I get this same feeling when I see someone buttering bread on both sides. It’s just not right. Apple and Google are the two internet super powers! They’re supposed to be pals and confidants! Like The Beatles, who could only rely on one another for support at the peak of their fame, as no one else could possibly understand what it was like to be in such a position. I have a great mental image of Apple and Google hanging out, talking about the overwhelming adoration of the public, reminiscing about their climb to the top, and laughing at MySpace (who would of course represent Pete Best in my Beatles analogy).

In the end, I really just can’t keep up with the Apple crap we’re constantly being force fed. Sure, I sometimes carry around a super-sized calculator in an iPad case in an attempt to fit in but I’m not really sure I want to. It all seems so unnecessary. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe everyone else is super excited about these technological advances and I’m just being Ms. Moody McSullen Puss. But in life, I always side with Truth and as far as I can tell, iCloud = Death, Destruction and Deception.

WORDS, ETC.

An Apple a day...